dreaming

as i head to sleep i stare at the light shining on my door
it is orange on dark brown
stained pine with secondhand streetlight
my vision fades as my eyes stay open

i wonder if this is what dying feels like.
in movies
in games
dying is when your character
slumps violently to the ground
vision blurs
fades
and then darkness

and in darkness
i dream

my dreams are not frightening
they're not horrible
they're dreams
possibilities that might happen someday

i'm going to be a soldier
i'm going to be out
in deserts
in jungle
in oceanic tides
wondering what everyone is doing back home
wondering what i'll be doing back home

i dream of being the broken man
who left too many brothers overseas
who failed to bring people home
this is punishment for not being better
this is punishment for surviving
all i can do is atone
say: "I'm sorry
It's all my fault.
I wish I had been better"

I dream of being the hero
who left too much of himself overseas
who never failed to bring a story home
this is punishment for getting older
this is punishment for stopping
and all i can do is speak
"I'm sorry
I wish my life was normal
What i wouldn't give
for yours."

I dream that neither one of these outcomes happen
That I change very little
nothing left overseas because i am responsible for myself and others
nothing failed unless it was beyond all of my control
this is punishment for being average
and i'm ok with that
all i can do is atone
say "I'm sorry
I just did what i had to
I needed to come home and be with you again"

My dreams are no second thoughts
They are possibilities
and i wake in the morning with a sense of hope
my vision is clear
i have not died. i have too much to do.
i think it's time we stopped dreaming
just live out your dream
and see what happens.