before bed

i see pictures of you now and feel all the time wasted.
What was i thinking shooting for the stars
when there were comets and suns willing to accept me close at hand?
you never did understand.
we would have been trainwreck fantastic.
no one would have been able to look away
as every single car crashed over and over again,
but we never even got on the tracks.
i just shot for the stars and missed by miles
by lightyears
you said you wanted nothing more
than to remain friends.
you scrutinized me
for shortcomings
and made awkwardness
where i made none
because you thought i hadnt changed
you didnt realize
i traveled time
not distance to reach you.
i never knew how to tell how long a mile was
but i can tell the time by the minuet
and you i waited for years
years of light travelling
just to touch your face.

it was wonderful
it was intoxicating
addicting
and then you tore it out from under me
making it empty
meaningless

you broke me sideways
not a derailment
just impact
inwards
crush crush crush
like my head against the wall

you have some of my best love poems...
what will you do
when the world sees them?
and my feelings you rejected
come into light.

what will you do
when the world sees how i shot for the stars
just to watch them say no?

i hope you smile and say
"that's the way it had to go"
because anything else
would make it hurt.

dont tell me you had second thoughts
or things would have been different
if they had been different
because that is crap
i dont care.

you said no
i moved on
now i worry
about how you feel
because i'm not cold yet
but the poems are good
they were meant to be shared
and i'll share them...

i'm sorry.