sometimes you just need to tell the truth

i think joining the military was the first time i ever did anything unexpected.
first time people looked at me sideways and said "really now?"
first time people were legitimately surprised by something i did

i'm pretty sick of being predictable
everyone always knows what i'll say
the things i'll do
how i'm going to act
except for women who fall in love with me
then i seem to always be a never ending surprise
with lots of "i never thought you would do this..."
or "I never suspected you would be like that..."

i guess if you get that close to me
you either stop seeing the pattern everyone else seems to know
or i start showing my truer colors
i'm not sure...

i'd like it if i could change
it's just easier to do what everyone expects of me
because they need something
i'm not here for myself
i'm here for you
and you
even you

i'm sick of being that ego booster
that flirt who reminds you you're attractive
says he'd go after you in a heartbeat
those mean boys don't deserve you
honestly, i am not attracted to half of you
the other half, i'm attracted but not sexually
there's many i want for their talents, and attitudes
there's only a couple i really want for their bodies
and it's rare if i want one of you for your heart

if you were to offer yourself to me...
the thought would run through my mind
"if i say no, will it make all i said a lie?
will it make all those times i spoke
meaningless?"
that is how i would rationalize it
perhaps another part of me is saying
"Yay, free pussy" while another screams
"What are you doing? this isn't worth another part of you!"
because i would leave a part of myself with you

i'm sick of being that jokester
just one big fucking joke
i feel like the court jester
i can say anything i want
but who really heeds my counsel?
who sees the seriousness underneath?

some people know i'm not just here for a good time
i can have serious discussions
or take ideas and advice from sources i don't fully understand
i'm not stupid...
some of you expect me to be.
because i have done stupid things

maybe when i have gone for awhile
people will forget the edges
the little details
of what i was like to be around
maybe being away from it all
i'll forget the little details
all those stupid facets
maybe my diamond
will turn back into coal
smoothed by the ocean
dropped in the sea
passing ship
passing ship
come to me
i want to forget who i am
so i may start over

perhaps then
those who will remember
can look sideways saying "Really now?"
with surprise
and those who know what i've always wanted
will whisper "Of course"

i want to be some wise old friend
patient and understanding
no one expecting more from him
than whatever he can give
never expecting jokes
or flirtation
never expecting stupid comments
no fake ego to hide behind
just that friend
you like to talk to sometimes
sit around with

play a game
share stories
make a meal
just sit and enjoy the sun

i want to be that...
someone whose seen and done
what no one else has
and just wants to rest
enjoying his days

but i bet you already knew that
didn't you?
i know i'm pretty predictable.