I wish I could learn to spell like a grown-up someday

2011-06-15T19:56:00.001-07:00

the only thing that could make this night better is if i was getting laid. otherwise, perfect day, perfect night, let no pucks escape their sight, beware their power, the bruin's MIGHT.

four haiku from california

2011-05-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

The hairs on the back
of my neck raise like the heads
of praying masses

the desert still feels
like the loving embrace of
cacti, snakes, and you

the sand and your hair
end up lasting longer than
our time together

(quote from my buddy jaeger)
"That crow carries your
soul." watch it struggle in
the mojavie's breath

2011-05-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

You look like a sleeping city right before sunrise
A hundred thousand lovers slowly waking in each others arms
the sultry smile, the first kiss of the day
we rise like sunday morning. slow. restful.
the smell of flowers and vanilla linger on your skin
when we let water touch our soil bodies
the light of the morning smiles
you are always this beautiful.

2/30

2011-04-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Modern Day Phaeton Speaks to Apollo

Yo, dad!
the kids at school keep saying you arn't my real dad
and moms a slut, and i'm a bitch and i beat up a kid...
so mom got mad.
when i told them what they said, i heard her call you
and then she sent me to your house
but it's morning, and you're not home
i know i know, work...
but like... dad
I want to prove i am your son.
and last i heard maury povich only cared about parents who have doubts not their children
nor do i think he could get you to make a public appearence
i mean, it's been a few years.

1/30

2011-04-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

if i am ever in a hospital bed, i will demand less comfort.
let the pain keep me awake.
dull it to a kitchen knife so it's bearable
but let it hurt me to sleep
let my bed be one of those cots
from the first great war
so i wont look small
I am not the kind of man to sink into mattresses
looking small and lost within sheets and pillows
i should look as i do standing
not quite tall, but not short
proud
with shoulders that show how much weight i have carried
hospital beds... are too comforting and too distant
i want to be next to my loved ones
leave out the rails
i'll behave (mostly)
and stay put like you tell me too

i just want to have them hold me when they say goodbye
without a distance separating us
death comes by inches
and when it comes for me
she'll find none to fit between us.

apology

2011-01-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

it's like the time i was climbing to a cliff with my step dad
when i was young i would speak without thinking
feeling awkward
i started the day saying something
i dont remember what...

i'm not exactly old
hell i'm barely adult
more child than i'd care to admit
i still speak without thinking
the awkwardness is worse now

i've always been offensive
normally it's all joking
this is because when i want to offend
i want you to take it as a joke
no, i dont want to offend
i'm just offensive

not defensive
because the best defense
is a good offense
i'm so offensive
nothing could slip past me anyway

i'm cocky
i think it only takes a second to know me
i think i wear everything on my face
my past
my present
my future
cant you just look at my face and see it?

i'm wrong of course
i'm wrong a lot
like when i was climbing to a cliff
if i had been taller
it would've been hiking
but i was young
it was climbing a mountain
there was a rope to hold onto
we climbed for what seemed like eternity
in silence.

we ate sandwiches and chips and grapes
at the top
staring into beauty
in silence

we inhaled
he told me a story i dont remember
then we took a picture

remembering it is like a silent movie
i fill in the audio myself
things i wish i had said
things i should've asked
just to get perspective
just to know more

just to remember with another sense than my eyes

you, you i remember with more than just my eyes
i opened you up with my offense
tore down your walls
jumped off the cliff of decency
left us feeling
awkward

so now i'm climbing back up the mountain
i'm small, it's large
i dont know if i'll make it
i'll just climb

2011-01-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

i drown
reaching out to a life preserver
knowing it's just going to sink with me

i am an anchor
stuck in a rock
pull me up.
pull me back on board
so your ship can sail
dont let me pull you down
held to the same spot
while the currents flow around you
as the tide goes out

dont let me ground you
sail on

backup man

2010-07-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

i want to be your reserve force
that extra push of strength
the reinforcements

i do it for my country
which honestly i don't like all the time
and will for another seven years

why not be your backup plan
for when the first one fails
i'm always available

my job is to be constantly ready, to jump in at any moment

i cant think of anything more rewarding.

kid in manchester

2010-07-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

i wish i was the prepubecent boy wearing UFC gloves and a mouthguard at midnight
tasting my own blood

american Q explains a flash-grenade teleportation device

2010-06-25T23:58:00.001-07:00

In this day and age you can't just pop smoke and disappear my young man. with NVG and thermal vision it just doesn't work anymore to simply distract the eye and run to get out of a sticky situation. Now you've heard of flash-bangs of course, well we have invented the Flash-port. With this device merely focus your built in computer to a precise location and throw the grenade. It's light will burn the retinas of anyone staring at it so they become blind along with dissembling your molecular structure outwards in a small sphere then shooting them through space into your desired location where they will constrict back together to form you again. Think of it as one of those star-balls you got as a kid. it grows and separates into a ball that can bounce, but then comes back together forming it's original shape.

a nice line...

2010-06-24T08:47:00.001-07:00

when you find that one step above me i'll smile as i send you on your way to something far sweeter than my lips and my heart

2010-04-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

our hearts are like wires pumping electricity out of muscle making blood flow from point a to point b where i see you sitting there without a care knowing you caught my stare yet not shying away or lashing out you just sit there, slight pout, looking about like a bird looks at bread you drop on the ground without a sound knowing every, pound, of bird that eats the bread will feed the cat lead to where little birdy sleeps at.

sometimes when i fall asleep thinking about you
i wake up reaching for something that isnt there
my bed feels neglected because i have not really slept
i've just passed time there
waiting for you

what the fuck did i just write?

2010-04-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

i like to drink energy drinks alone
closest thing i have to alcohol
i sip down thier flavor
an aquired taste
let it fizzle on the tounge
staring to the sky
wondering...
wondering...
wondering why i'm smoking another ciggarette
i wish the smell of cowboy killers and cloves
could be put into a perfume
i want the world to smell like tobacco
unsmoked
sometimes i keep a ciggarette in my lips as i go to sleep
just to have that smell
no smoke at all
let my heartrate fall
its beating a mile a minuet
and i know it wont last long
i'm good out the gate
but unless i catch a good stride
i'm fatal before i finish

sometimes i drink 5 energy drinks a day
to go with at least a gallon of water
i wish i had a calorie counter
but i think she'd have a heart attack
knowing how much shit goes in my system
how much of everythign i just let process through
i use up a lot of it
if not all of it
it hurts

because i'm far away from you
and no matter how long i seem to run
no matter what mountains i realize i can climb
i still cant get to you

i cant fight mother earth and father time
cant drive them to move faster
cant offer them a drink to speed up their hearts
they're too big for me

so i try to speed myself up instead
time is supposed to be relative
if i move faster so should time
spin me around like the flash
let me go all the way to the future
let me explore the depths of the past
let me see your smile

i am disconnected cables
little bits of static jumping through
in purple lightning bolts
my mind is like a playdoh barbershop
fibers pushed through little molds
seperating them like cheese

sometimes... i eat cheese crackers
and sip on energy drinks
while i sit alone
wondering why i'm smoking another ciggarette
trying to learn the reason for a heart
beatingsofast
keeping time
ticking
so
slow

sometimes i think i'm crazy...
i hope you dont mind.

bibliomancy

2010-04-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

when i was young
i read in a book
it may or may not
have been a harry potter companion
about a thing called
bibliomancy
the magic of books

a stupid thing to say
since books were always magic
but i fell in love with the idea

what you do
is form a question in your head
find a book you have a connection with
thumb the pages as you quetly think
eyes closed
focus on the question
open to a random page
run fingers across until it feels like you should stop
read the word
the sentance
or the passage
and perhaps it will make more sense
or you'll gain a new outlook or idea
something

now and again
when lost
i practice bibliomancy
and ask my question.

one night
i asked if i would have the strength
to prevent myself from the temptation
with all the foolish choices around me each day
could i be strong enough to resist
since i've had the habit so many times before
weakness is something i've been working to rid myself

the book i had on hand
was a new testament, psalms, and proverbs
a military edition
desert camo
given to me by an army vietnam vetran
i shook his hand
wished him a good day
told him to hydrate
thanked him for his service
he was missing half a thumb on the right
and one of the fingers on his left hand

when i opened the book
chose my passage
it began the story
of jesus and the adultress
let those without sin cast the first stone
so commonly taken from that story
but the better message
is when he says to the woman
"Where are your accusers? Has no one condemmed you?"
and she replies
"no one lord"
to which he says
"Then neither do i"

it's funny jesus says
in my modern terms
"is anyone saying you have done wrong?"
"nope, i think i'm good"
"then you're good"

what it tells me though
is that if i think i'll be strong enough
than i will

i'm worrying over nothing.

i put my april 30/30 on facebook guys, sorry.

2010-04-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

current horoscope

You're dealing with relationship issues with a new determination -- you might force your mate or kids to sit down and hear you out, or you might seek out a new partner through new means

you know what the issue is?
9 hours of time difference
fucking me over
every day
cause i miss her...

you know what the issue is?
fucking temptation being so easy
and my dick
begging me
to get permission
or asking for it
because it's little bitchass
hasnt been given attention in forever

or maybe it's teh fact that i could cheat so well.
but i dont want to!
i mean fuck!
i was the one who decided i wanted this relationship
n now i'm getting all fucked up
because one chick decides to show me some attention?

fuck horoscopes.
my problem is all playing with time.

not dead yet

2010-04-10T05:58:00.000-07:00

new poems are coming soon. gonna fix up some of my 30/30(perhaps 60/30) poems and post'm here as well as facebook.

the desert has been pretty good for poetry

IEDs and me

2010-03-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

i keep thinking of those videos
propoganda for terrorists
or perhaps just for the anti-american
how blood boiled
my heart sickened
my eyes forced open
you cant let yourself look away
not when you know
that you'll be the one
guarding that gate
checking that vehical
searching that person
who may or may not
be ready to kill you
and all those you are trying to protect

i saw IEDs blow up convoys and humvees
a flash with smoke
it's not as dramatic as the movies make
no fireball
no flames flickering afterwards
just black smoke
and knowing those inside that vehicle
arnt alive anymore.

i saw a young marine
complacent in his area
not showing the aggressive
assertive
asskicking stance
that we're trained to have
for both friend and foe
no matter how many times we've seen them
get blown up
a vehicle with a bomb
someone who worked at that base for years
studying us
surveying us
sedating our minds with a sense of

friendship.

during our combat patrol practical application
i volenteered to carry the radio
my MOS is 0621
feild radio operator
i was hoping to get a little expiriance
before i headed off to my schooling
we were ambushed
and afterwards they explained how we bunched up
how we followed a set path instead of running through the abundant woods
how if it were real combat we would've been destroyed

then we were hit by an IED
our dispersion along the road was good so we only had 3 causualties out of our squad
consisting of 24 people

that was good
3 people who would've died
i was in the rear of our formation
by the time i called it in to EOD
and ran to the front
those casualties would've already lost have thier time
drastically needed for medevac
which could only be called in by me

it made me realize i need to get faster
a lot faster

there's a million places i could get sent
or attached to
humvees, convoys, FABs, armor units, you name it
but i have this gut feeling
this itch with every explosion i see
i'll get put with the infantry
and ill have to make that call

it's a flip flop of hte stomach
turning over again and again and again
POP
black smoke
as fast as a rifle fires
yet deadlier
disguised
dealing death from afar

the senior marines
tell us how we haven't seen shit yet
i believe them
but i can't do much
other than wait
for my time to come

i just hope when it does
i'm faster
smarter
more observant

so i can kill the enemy
before they kill me.

2010-02-17T06:15:00.001-08:00

i do not speak hands
i do not speak feeling
i only speak with one language
this one
i am ignorant
i am sorry

poems from bootcamp

2010-02-17T06:10:00.000-08:00

holding history in my hands
letting legacy slip through fingers
like sand through the sift
catching only big pieces
not minute details
we are legacy killers
let the blood of our forefathers
their sweat and tears
fly out our lazy lips
as we spit on the ground they laid before us

Boot Camp Poems

2009-12-03T14:50:00.000-08:00

Carlie sent these to me (his sister0 to post on here while he is at boot camp, so they might be alittle messed up, but i did my best to copy them. Enjoy.

Warrior

Primal Warriors charging forward
against odds deemed impossible
clad in their surroundings
they are born through fire
and sweat rolling into iron made
strong into steel

Delicate Creatures paying all mind
to the intrictcies of history, customs
and tradition, they know the gental
folds of fabric like the petals of
a floweer ever cartions and gental
with those deserving of respect.

Scream

"Scream till you spit blood"
They said.
Scream for your life
Scream Aye Sir
SCREAM
SCREAM
SCREAM
Till your throut rips itself out
Till your ribcage hurts from breathing
Till you mae the world change.
You, you and your petty ideas
crying and hollaring for change,
for peace, for love
Scream Louder.
Scream till your voice is gone
and has regrown broken in your mouth
Everything s paid for in blood
So Scream, till the copper taste
fills your mouth, and your smile is red.

Time Fears

Time is relative, to what you do
to what you feel , and time is movemnt,
staynation leaves slow inching tick of
thought passing up and down
These moments i sit merely awaiting
the next challenge, punishment, activity,
class... something,Just bear down on
my shoulders like the world on atlas
it hurts, giving drive and anticipation
fear, givin readiness. i know
when movement starts the dial
spins round, round, round again
fleeing from the peocity of forward
footsteps followed by fear for wasted
moments because we move fast
fast fast the only speed we know
and time cannot keep up while
we move forward, so when we do stop,
time makes us feel
every.... single... moment....

The Falls

2009-11-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

Phaeton:

I tried to drive my father's chariot.
Took the morning star and rode on through the skies bringing day.
He did not see my wish to let the world start over.
They called it an accident,
said i could not control myself and that
is why i woke the sky serpent.
why i brought fire to the mountaintops
why i bathed civilizations in flames.
I was struck down hard by grandfather's lightning.
they still speak of my fall.

Lucifer:

I tried to take my father's throne
As the Morningstar i led forces through the day
He did not see my wish to let the world start over
But knew it was no accident
I could no longer control myself
Came down from the sky as a serpent
Brought fire to the mountaintops
bathed heaven in flames
i was struck down by Michael's lightning
they will always speak of my fall

Icarus:

flew with my father's wings
up towards the morning star i climbed
just wanting to escape this world
it was an accident i swear
feathers falling off like serpent-skin
fires on their tips
fire in the wax
struck down by my own foolishness
i wish they would forget my fall.

Phaeton:

Lightning
raw power of heaven
drawn like a line
the bolt thrown as javelin
hard
fast
penetrates
yet leaves no shaft
to grip and remove
nothing can stop it
for it travels through your veins
lighting them all on fire
i knew the feeling of the world
in a beautiful pain
buzzing and crackling
felt the fires
felt rebirth so near
father said his chariot would be the death of me
he forgave me as he handed me the reigns.

Lucifer:

He was Lightning
Michael the power of heaven
drew the line
holding flaming sword
dropped for fists
hard
fast
neither of us would yield
entangled like earthquakes
he brought me down
let me feel the aches and pains
it was beautiful
he sent me home
trapped in ice so cold it burned
like the fires i let loose upon home
my father knew this would not be the death of me
i wonder if his son would forgive as easily

Icarus:
I wish i'd been Lightning
so my fall would be instant
instead it was
hard
fast
with impending doom
i watched the waters beneath me
i felt the fires of my wings burn
the wax peeling away on my skin
as smoke poured through my nose
my father watched me fall
called out like he did when i rose too high
he did not chastise me in his cries
nor called out my folly as one to be remembered
for ages hence as one fool trying to reach
a brighter, better place
nor did he call out forgiveness for my fall
it was all just loss

Narrator:

wonder if falling
Down from the heavens above
can happen often

or perhaps it's only ever happened once

2009-11-08T22:05:00.000-08:00

you cant see the cracks in my armor.
i've put putty over all the cracks.
you'd never know unless you took me apart
or i started splitting at the seams.

the devil's in the details, and my trade is in trim-work.

a talk about "us"

2009-11-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

have you been avoiding it like i have?
because distance makes us weak?
or is it just me that gets weak
me who doesn't want someone waiting
with romance in her heart
while i go off and train
to save and end lives by my choosing
to save and end lives by my stagnation
to save and end lives by my hands

i'm avoiding it because i'm about to leave
it'll be easier if i don't have a girl waiting at home
no worries on the home front
waiting nervously for letters
fears of a "dear john" letter
every mail call

you make me happy
we talk every day
separated so far
a relationship is just putting a name on what we're already working towards

i meant it when i said go for opportunities that arise
don't wait on my account
because i have a habit of waiting too long
when it comes to jumping off a cliff
into oceans of good things
i'm used to it being too late
but as long as your happy
i'll be fine with it

i've forgotten that kiss

2009-11-08T21:51:00.001-08:00

I've forgotten what it was like kissing you
i think i like that
no longer feeling the pressure of your lips
the smell of your hair
the weight of your body under my hands
so long i hungered for it
then achieved it... only once
one long deep kiss
hundred pecks of nothing
that one
long
deep
kiss
that's what made me think i had a chance
i took my damn time with it
i was wrong
but that's life
we're better off without it
i mean, our friendship had a million problems
imagine what our relationship would have?
we work better at a distance anyway

sometimes i doubt you'll write to me
but you promised
so you will
even if its only once

sometimes i doubt i'd care
but your that stupid girl
the one i'd never really get over
even if it was only one
long deep kiss

that keeps me hooked
or kept as it seems to be
since i no longer know your taste
nor smell
nor touch

just the visual memory
the moving in
the moving away
the fumbling
the desperateness of me
the fogging of my windows
all the details around it i can clearly remember
but not that kiss

however deep and long it was
was not long enough to last

an excuse as to why i cant play musical insturments well at all

2009-11-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

We're not goin' silent yet.
let's scream out the stereo with the songs hell rising up from the earth below.
give us the drums,
give us the guitar,
give us the bellowing calls of monsters from your nightmares.
horns and choirs belong to heaven with thier mighty organs,
we need no intricate fingertips
but thrashing and tearing of flesh from bone to create our song.

Hansel and Gretel inside the wichtes house

2009-11-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

Hansel:

I am going to go bake in my blankets sister.
when the wicked witch comes to eat me,
i will gladly offer her my flesh knowing that she can live
longer than i could ever dream,
a youthful beauty.
i am a lowly boy,
she is a queen clad in the charcoal-gingerbread of black forest night.
I love her dearly, and grow fat with her returning favors.

Gretel:

Brother please listen
she is not some glorious immortal
knowledgeable of the world around us
she is but some beast tied to her lair
all she wants is to eat your flesh
and turn me into some kind of evil like her
that's why she claims she'll teach me the magic of flesh
the mystics of sweets and fairy-tales

to be continued...

Yosephina Irene, or, The Indonisean Chick who talks to me on facebook.

2009-11-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

a girl from indonesia
found me on facebook
she has been talking to me
and tells me

"coz i like ur style.... so handsome.

if u live in my country, i'm sure that u become an actor"
after i question why she asked if i had a girlfriend or not

and

"u're so perfect, handsome and romantic man...."

when i mention i like to write poetry

i do not believe this for a second.
i do not understand why she would put herself beneath me
i do not understand the way she goes about trying to flirt

of what use could i possibly be?
why me to begin with?

she asks me the same questions every time i get online
too late at night
or early in the morning
and i cant help but speak with her
she seems nice enough
says she doesn't speak english well
but something seems off
i feel she may be fake
but she has an abundance of pictures
and friends from the area

the paranoia in me
says "green card wife"
again and again
paranoia is narcissistic

Yosephina Irene...

what do you want from me?
i cant help but wonder
if i'll ever find out...

destiny?

2009-11-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

it's funny. i used to believe in the cards
tarot readings
bibliomancy
voodoo
druidism
paganism
name it
i was a believer
this opened all sorts of doors
expanded my mental psyche
but gave me such great fear
made me so much blinder to myself
i needed others to bring the truth out of me
through thier readings, their interpretations
now as i'm older
i believe in less
focus not on the ritual
but on the truth
bring it out of myself
i hope this makes me a better person...

on halloween of 2006
my card reading suggested
that a future with water
and military
was bound for me
i disagreed

in late 2007
a man who could tell the future
because he was psychically trained
said i would live by the water

that same day
a man who read cards and stones
revealed how upset i really was about my mother
how i masked it with how i was upset in my
lack of relationship

in 2008, i spent my summer living on the beach
with some of my best friends
in 2009, i am headed into a career in the military
an aquatic fighting force

if you open your mind
paths will be laid before you
and perhaps you will stumble upon them
but maybe
there is a touch of destiny out there
that you can embrace.

miles to go before i sleep

2009-11-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

i am just hoping that my tank of gas will hold up till the end of this road. i have miles to go before i sleep, and only so much patience can my mind keep. the wheels are spinning so let's ride out this storm. lets ride along with thunder bursting fires in our bellies as the steel beast roars what little fuel it has left screaming "You may have miles to go, but i will not get you there. you're feet were always more trustworthy. i am but rust, and dust" . so we rest, for i have miles to go before i sleep, and more memories my mind must keep.

2009-11-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

i am saying exactly what i mean
there is nothing deeper
nothing to analyze
i just want to show you
what i see
but i am no painter
i cannot put the apple
the pear
on the page
on the paper
on the canvas
i can merely try to express
through words
these textures
smells
colors
sounds
as clear as day
so the blind can see

buh, stuff like this... is should have a camera on a couple in convorsation n see the other persons reactions to the lines

2009-10-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

I will hold you tight until the skin tears from my bones.
until muscles scream and tear.
whipping cords that will tie together in tangled air.
to put it simply, i'm not letting go.
it's the only thing i can show.
it's the only way.
i can say.
i know...
it goes without saying.
it always has.

how good I give head (upon request)

2009-10-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

tip of tongue slick wet with saliva
licking luscious outer lips
exploring all crevices and tiny slips of skin.
up and down following canyons built by time and tenderness
when the quiver comes quick
teasing tongue takes time to feel tantalizing textures
hips move under pressure as tongue explores
caverns deep within the chasms
deeper, deeper
desire takes trembling skin and pushes
plush lips against the edges of eternity
through the passage of time
pace slows
sultry salty sweet
flavors left on slick lips looking for more
mouthwatering
bliss
then quaking quivers bring froth complex cascading emotions
tearing nerves asunder in the breathtaking experience
of me

this is how love should feel (cause i'd totally know)

2009-10-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

enough passion moving against the currents of the universe
lightning screams across skies by thousands
fingertips across the chalkboard of whatever you thought "normal" meant.

let it hurt so bad you scream as thunder
feel millions of collisions on the atomic level
pushing through whatever normality you thought you had
right out the window in a vortex
spinning
spinning
spinning
lighting screams across skies by the thousands
screeching through your being
it burns
it burns and all you have left is that burn
deep in skin it kills your nerves
you cannot feel anything anymore
numb
passion expressed against the waves of the universe
sputter out
leaving calm cold skies
you're alone

dead end street

2009-10-27T22:03:00.001-07:00

i am a dead end street
unless you live there already
the real point in diving down
is to see what lies at the end
spin round the cul-du-sac
look over a cliffs edge
stare into the wild

this is what i am
useless unless you already
lie within me
a dead end

sorry

trainwrecks

2009-10-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

sees trainwrecks on a daily basis
nothing gives more of a high than jumping on for the ride
watching isn't enough

i want to feel... blunt. force. trauma.
i want to feel... impact. compression. destruction.
i want to feel... alive.

take my hand
ride with me
maybe this time we wont jump off at the last second.
we'll actually see it through

Moth Collector

2009-10-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

watch the lit match burn
the tip glows red
as the wood blackens
flame shrinks
spreads
and grows again

flame is often used to express passion
did you know that little girl?
of course you did
you're smart
yes you are

too bad fire hurts
child and the oven and all that
like a moth you fly
reaching closer to the candle
entrapped
then caught
wings snipped
still beautiful
but broken
pinned down in glass case
for all to watch
only i to touch

look at yourself squirm
your skin turns red
your eyes blacken
body shrinks
spread
apart again

you are pinned in my glass case
dear moth
flirting with fire
now you'll feel the burn
forever.

blarg

2009-10-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

right
wrong
these are just words
i've read too many tales
where the villain and hero
could be interchanged
too many of my own stories
have me in both places
i am torn
guilt-ridden warpath
blood on the sands
for just and noble causes
the uselessness of war
power

i once heard sociopaths
do not have their own emotions
but mimic those around them
if i have no compass to sail by
and no black or whites to make these shades of grey
can i say i have emotions?
or am i just a mimic
taking what i see
applying it to what i do
applying it to how i feel
applying it to my life

am i a sociopath?
would i know if i was?

sometimes you just need to tell the truth

2009-10-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

i think joining the military was the first time i ever did anything unexpected.
first time people looked at me sideways and said "really now?"
first time people were legitimately surprised by something i did

i'm pretty sick of being predictable
everyone always knows what i'll say
the things i'll do
how i'm going to act
except for women who fall in love with me
then i seem to always be a never ending surprise
with lots of "i never thought you would do this..."
or "I never suspected you would be like that..."

i guess if you get that close to me
you either stop seeing the pattern everyone else seems to know
or i start showing my truer colors
i'm not sure...

i'd like it if i could change
it's just easier to do what everyone expects of me
because they need something
i'm not here for myself
i'm here for you
and you
even you

i'm sick of being that ego booster
that flirt who reminds you you're attractive
says he'd go after you in a heartbeat
those mean boys don't deserve you
honestly, i am not attracted to half of you
the other half, i'm attracted but not sexually
there's many i want for their talents, and attitudes
there's only a couple i really want for their bodies
and it's rare if i want one of you for your heart

if you were to offer yourself to me...
the thought would run through my mind
"if i say no, will it make all i said a lie?
will it make all those times i spoke
meaningless?"
that is how i would rationalize it
perhaps another part of me is saying
"Yay, free pussy" while another screams
"What are you doing? this isn't worth another part of you!"
because i would leave a part of myself with you

i'm sick of being that jokester
just one big fucking joke
i feel like the court jester
i can say anything i want
but who really heeds my counsel?
who sees the seriousness underneath?

some people know i'm not just here for a good time
i can have serious discussions
or take ideas and advice from sources i don't fully understand
i'm not stupid...
some of you expect me to be.
because i have done stupid things

maybe when i have gone for awhile
people will forget the edges
the little details
of what i was like to be around
maybe being away from it all
i'll forget the little details
all those stupid facets
maybe my diamond
will turn back into coal
smoothed by the ocean
dropped in the sea
passing ship
passing ship
come to me
i want to forget who i am
so i may start over

perhaps then
those who will remember
can look sideways saying "Really now?"
with surprise
and those who know what i've always wanted
will whisper "Of course"

i want to be some wise old friend
patient and understanding
no one expecting more from him
than whatever he can give
never expecting jokes
or flirtation
never expecting stupid comments
no fake ego to hide behind
just that friend
you like to talk to sometimes
sit around with

play a game
share stories
make a meal
just sit and enjoy the sun

i want to be that...
someone whose seen and done
what no one else has
and just wants to rest
enjoying his days

but i bet you already knew that
didn't you?
i know i'm pretty predictable.

just a little thing about today

2009-10-26T17:15:00.001-07:00

"even before you go to bootcamp, it's not just about you not failing. it's about everyone not failing. there is no reason for only one person to pass, everyone must. that's what the marine corps is about. you help each other" - Lance Corporal who will be PTing with us for the next two weeks, n teaching us out info better. he's actually going to pick up someone running shoes because they cant afford them. they took him in as a recruiter's assistant because his wife goes to college up here, and he couldn't get leave to see her. i think i made the right choice in branches.

Paralells Phaeton/Lucifer:

2009-10-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

what i'm looking for

2009-10-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

thank you for wishing me luck
for telling me
how you hope i find what i'm looking for
hope i stay safe
hope i come home and visit you again
i will do these things
without any shadow of doubt
just for you.

i'm the traveler
the one who comes to a place
finds love
then leaves
the one who builds ties no distance can stretch too thin
always seeming to wander aimlessly
creating a family where he lands
although he has one of his own

this is what i am looking for
more travels
more families
more experiences
more ties no distance can stretch too thin
this is what i crave
bringing the world together
strung up in my own way
taking all you have to offer
all i have to give you in return
and tell the stories.

this is why i will stay safe
why i will come home again
the stories need to be told
to be spread
no science can replace
the way you can stand
be it in summer heat
winter snow
or anything in between
conversing
sharing stories
experiences
eating it all up
letting little details
form new edges
new curves
new facets
to your 3D personality.

maybe someday i'll be lucky enough
to make the world small enough
that all these ties
become one giant rubber band ball
bouncing through space
leaving a line to bring us home
stronger than any distance could hope to stretch

short and sweet

2009-10-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

you are origami masterpiece.
such delicate soft folds in the flesh.
creating crescent curves captivating,
clinging concave patterns up and down your form.
you are beautiful,
soft as paper,
strong as paper,
i cannot tear you,
folded too many times over.
blank as paper,
let me write on you the words never spoken,
always thought

arg... dont know where i'm going here.

2009-10-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

i am the disciple of the moth
i follow it's ways
speaking words our ears are too young to understand
dancing round lights and candle flames
dancing towards the sun
dancing with its mate
flit-flutter-by
flit-flutter-fly
up towards the sun

music

2009-10-20T07:09:00.001-07:00

i never understood how strong music seemed to be.
you let it affect every part of your life.
for me, it's all background noise.
all firetrucks in the middle of the night.
all trains whistle through sleeping city.
when you thought of us you heard Bach,
i heard the humming of a bee.
someone needs to start moving away.
i'll take the first step.
i was always better at leading
always better at dancing
more focused on the motions than the music

we were always just going through the motions
while you, entrapped in melody
were thinking there was more to it than just me
moving my feet, singing out of tune
i'm home-recorded audio
with all that extra background noise
you can make music out of it if you want
i'll never hear what you have to offer.

house of emotion

2009-10-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

i am building a house of emotion
using these tools i've learned
to place you inside
giving you a room
for the entire time i read this poem.

the foundation is self-experience
the bit of this story called life
that i've seen and heard
it gives me a way to communicate

the supports are vocabulary
using different styles
to hold up different walls
to make different points

the electrical is emotional
using words to move feeling
up, over, across
through all these rooms

the insulation is metaphor
hiding the studs
warming the room
while keeping sounds
separate

drywall, my favorite
is narrative
the story
it covers over everything
giving you a canvas to paint
or paper
or tile
but place something above all those tools
give the room a sense of completion

the rest, is merely trim-work and plumbing
neither my forte
but i can do the basics
maybe a little more than most

let me build you this house of emotion
i have the tools
now all i need is the time
i'll get it right eventually.

RPM

2009-10-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

I am random particle motion.
constantly colliding,
bumping,
smashing,
tiny peices of myself against your grain.
you would try and say you saw it coming.
you were wrong.
i am random,
small particles invisible to sight,
my motion cant be predicted,
nor stopped by anything you throw at me.
i am not solid enough for your density game.
i am random particle motion...
with so much order.
predictable ideas .
i'm sorry...
i guess you did see me coming.

recovering slowly

2009-10-15T20:50:00.001-07:00

my eyes sit heavy
fogging my vision
feels
like you punched me in the face
like recovering slowly
enjoyment

something terrible-great
must've happened to my head
to make me feel this way.
hit by a dream
hit with a baseball bat
yes

feels just right
a warm hand in the base of my back
fingers pulling my ribcage apart
recovering slowly
stitching wounds closed

healing
muscle cramps from time
cuts from your knife
bliss
endorphins flow

bite me again
harder each time
get closer to my bones
i want to feel this knitting

recovering slowly

birthday musings... aka i'm stupid when it gets close.

2009-10-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

it must be near my birthday
i'm cranky
nor sleeping well

i hate birthdays
birthdays mean that the past year of my life
was probably wasted

spent doing something stupid
not something that matters
i always make bad choices

i'm a goddamn pessimist on my birthday.
i hate my birthday.
birthdays never go right.

not never...
just since i was old enough to have more control over them.

for my sixteenth birthday
while other kids had huge parties
and big deals

i took at nap
and got pizza with my family.
it was the best birthday ever.

i hate the idea of people getting gifts.
i feel like i owe them something
more than just a thank you.

i wont remember your birthday
i barely remember my own
if it wasn't for people reminding me
i would just forget it.

bleh
birthday...
fuck it.

Open Letter to the Cantab Lounge (Which is the venue that i've primarily heard open letter poetry) DRAFT ONE

2009-10-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am in a forever state of winning you back
Once a month it seems I have to alienate you.
Offend you.
Make you know,
I do not belong here.

I know i don't belong here.
I've heard your venue called
"The best writing in the country"
i am not to be included
nor would i want to be
i am too young
too stupid
too against your grain

I am shooting fish in a barrel
sized to be an ocean
while you are all straight-razor shaving face
to baby-smooth skin
every hair removed
a poem blowing me away

sometimes i may hit something
you always finish with finesse

Cantab, you are amazing
i have never been disappointed in our short engagement
i believe i have disappointed you
hell i hopefully scared some of you
with these poems that give me dagger-eyes
these poems that give me
the most awkward applause
i have heard
in my life

i'll miss you
and this game we seem to play
where i push you all away
and try to win you back
maybe someday
when i push you away
you'll drag me down with you
then, i'll feel fully welcome.

- charlie

The Talk

2009-10-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

this is role reversal at it's finest.
with the worst timing
my dad is giving me "the talk"
now i said this is role reversal
no story of birds and bees
we've done that before
no this is with worms
life-prolonging machines

my mother has MS

she recently had to do this talk
with her mother
my family has a habit of having to do this talk early
but we're stubborn

my dad caught me off guard
started the conversation
"hey, you mind answering a couple awkward questions?"
i figure their about sex
or how i'm never home
apparently always at poetry events
the next question should not have been

"If you go active... and the worst happens. where do you want to be buried?"

i have never seen beautiful graveyard
never experienced the touch of peace
bodies laid to final rest
no
that was ruined when i heard diesel engine
diggers
lawnmowers
this is not what i consider peace
no gentle hands tilling land
no smug workers smoking waiting to fill holes
holes they know they'll occupy themselves someday

i combat his serious statement with the same joke
i've been telling people since my death-obsessed phase
my tween-hood.

"I want to be taxidermy-ed , and kept for three generations minimum."

we share a stare, knowing that was not the ansewer...
but my dad
never one to let the joke end
pops into google
trying to find out if you can

you can... oh boy you can...

human taxidermy services
they offer poses
simple everyday things
like waving
to classic art poses
like david

we laugh... more than we should
we are disturbed... there are testimonies
there is a toll free number
there is shipping information

this is for real.
my dad asks...

"well... what pose do you want"

without missing a beat of thought i respond

"they offer classic poses, gimmie Karate Kid. use my hands as coat hooks, and my knee to place a table. i dont want to be wasted space"

i never want to be wasted space
we talked about that too...
more serious...
cremate me
send me to the cemetery
let me be buried with other soldiers
if you need a headstone
give me something simple
something secondhand
with a long history
put my initials on it
sign it with love
dont leave me flowers
no need to die above me

my dad gave me the talk
like my grandmother gave my mother
this trend is not one i particularly like
when i have children
i hope they ask me the same question...

although i doubt they'll know karate kid.

universal assumption.

2009-10-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

so little know, that they know so little.
assume the universe is small.
assume it is big.
knowledge doesn't care.
it's ever expanding anyway.

Fucked up in the American Psycho sort of way

2009-10-11T10:27:00.001-07:00

My skin always tastes salty in the morning
you deer-founded
lick gentle lines
up and down my arms
pausing at my fingers
placing them slowly into mouth
plush lips, gentle tongue
you tease me

I play along
as a good salt-lick will do
dangling innocent
your mouth gently pressures
skin gives way
you're kissing
fixated, entrapped

the lick is but an extension of hunter's arm
a trap to make good sight
deer in a headlight of violence
rifle snug in shoulder
inhale
safety off
exhale
pull trigger

I've just lined up my sights
no muzzle-flash yet
we are, slow-cooking dinner
spinning round and round
strung across spit

we wrap arms like pythons
suffocating in closeness
we pass breath back and forth
slithering skin giving soothing sensations
stealing my strength
I cant breathe
you're kisses, asphyxiating

hate being mouse
turn tides like moon
I flip you
wave crashing onto shore
storm-break
thunder-rattle
howl
push-pull
tear shoreline out
eat land whole
wolf-deer
hunter-prey
faster-faster-faster
hurry
make you
make you
make you
make-youmakeyoumakeyou

GOD

YES

you scream
this will not be the last time

inhale
safety off
exhale
pull trigger

you're right where I want
writhing in pleasure
numb to the world
you cant feel my python sliver
snakelike embrace
lost in ecstasy
an awake-sleep

I crave your salt
iron red
grizzle
you're my suckling pig
so innocent
strap you down
slick python coils

you lick salt
you crave salt
you love salt
almost as much as you love sex
love me

you don't
I know
this engagement was not for love
it was for sex, and salt
I am succubus
you are victim
deer to my salt lick

my skin tastes salty in the morning
but you...
battery acid. Iron
sweet perfume
vanilla shampoo
cute...
so cute
so cute and innocent

inhale
breathe deep
safety off

my blade comes out
licking lines across your arms
pausing at fingers
slowly pushing blade into flesh

I am starving pig
flesh in the pen
I flash blade into surface
wave crashing onto shore
skin-smooth
heart-strength
brain
intelligence-trading
tupi tribe tradition
ritual consumption
taste-pain
faster-faster-faster
hurry
make me
make me
make me
make-memakememakeme

exhale
pull trigger

GOD

YES

your flesh satisfies
giving me the strength to go on
whatever you had
is now mine

the ultimate of closeness
two beings become one.

repetition...

2009-10-08T08:15:00.001-07:00

leeps next to thunderclap windows.
rattle'n'shake like a dancer on heroine.
rattle'n'shake like a baby with keys.
rattle'n'shake like muscles spazum.
i'll be sleeping right there.
soundless,
motionless,
with less energy to be spent
on mindless noise.

spooning

2009-10-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

old windows shake like thunder
i think i miss you.
come back into my life.
i liked the way you fit in.
it was so much better than old windows
you didn't rattle
or quake
under the breeze...
you just fit with me
like we were in
a silverware drawer

commenting on a facebook status... imma toilet.

2009-10-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

empty your contents
a child too full of delicious food
indulging till it bursts
up, up, up, and out
through esophagus and mouth... Read More
give me your history
i am the basin
catching all your pain
that burning feeling
that vile smell
that taste on your tongue
i'll take it all
no questions asked.

dont speak

2009-10-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I should not speak.
these words fumble out wrong.
i'm bad news babe.
my colors are not peacock plumage,
but butterfly's "beware, i am poison".

fly on moths

2009-10-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

fly on a moth's wings.
their journey is leading to somewhere...
maybe we'll get there.
on the muse of poets.
celestial navigation of transverse orientation
making bulbs become moon rays become bent.
we spiral flight.
fly on to the light.
till our eyes go blind,
till our skin burns,
till we become nothing but dust.

playing with rhythm

2009-10-06T20:33:00.001-07:00

was wondering when you'd come around tryin' t'live in uptown. giggly girl gonna-get put-up wif-stuff she don't know how to handle. pumping gas next t'a lit candle. i left this place back when i was under attack.. guess we never really leave home. guess we never really move on. guess we livin' in this town, with it's roots diggin' in deep, it's the only bit of land we need t'keep.. i'm just a shepherd without my sheep.

meteor sleep

2009-10-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

I hit the pillow like meteor shower.
wrap blankets of smoke and dust
let the rain slip sediment slowly down
bringing the soft embrace of earth.
dig me up years from now.
use my resources.
i give them to you freely.
stripme of all i have to offer.
you deserve more than that.

10/3 Workshop Title Game (title thanks to Martha): Broken Pennies

2009-10-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

I used to be copper
shined
lucky
with value
people placed their dreams in me
"Of course you can get it...
just save your pennies"
there were stores
where i was the currency of choice
excited children
trading shiny copper for candy
Now
I am more zinc
not enough copper to count
place flame under me
I do not glow blue
Do not give off beautiful hue
I just melt away inside...
my shell
crumpled
broken
No one saves me but collectors and couch cushions
left laying on the street
i think my luck is running out.

owwie

2009-10-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

fall rain on the cheek brings the feeling of your fingertips further into my chest.
dig deep into me.
pull out my lungs.
you are all the breath i need.
the frozen night air will keep my organs fresh as you rip and pull.
feel the strands of muscle ache and stretch towards you.
i want to wrap my arms around your neck
let you gaze down into the cavity you've dug for yourself.
are you proud of your handiwork?

it is not going to go away.
this wound is fatal
so climb in quick
before i pass on
unable to feel you
under my skin

poetry... slam... prep... poem?

2009-10-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

clothe me in armor as i sleep.
tomorrow i must be ready for fighting.
sharpen my battle-blade, my silver tongue.
it flicks back and forth across my foes,
bringing fear up to their faces
all the way from their toes.
i call them out to single combat.
the way kings avoided bloody war.
the life-wine has been flowing.
you're already drunk.

while i'm growing diamond-skin.
for i lay in the courage-maker.
you ready for me now?

before i sleep yet again

2009-10-01T09:06:00.001-07:00

my bed is cold tonight... but the words of greater people than i warm my soul. it will not stay cold forever. these convection currents flow round me in swirling motions. i let it radiate off as i hold you tight. the heat we bring flowing out into the rest of the world.

sleep-song

2009-09-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

sleep quietly... so i can hear what you've been trying to tell me all along. through your pipe-organ, your chest-drum, let me hear your message in my ears. i watch the music rise and fall with your skin. if only i could translate it... the story unknown to all but the sleepers.
if only i could sleep and sing along with your chorus.

facebook status lines yet again

2009-09-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

left the pillows the way my pug dog likes to sleep on them.
he nuzzles and pushes them around creating a nest to sleep in.
i wish i had a nest.
a place to roost.
collected with pieces of life i hunt for day and night.
i guess my memories must suffice.

long night... goodnight

2009-09-28T21:12:00.001-07:00

you called me shortsighted...
i guess i need glasses

you say the word "detached" so often...
i am not tree sap
i am not crazy glue
i am not adhesive
i do not attach and stick
i am claw
i am quarter-driven prize game
i grip and release

so easily done
its the same exact motion
backwards in my heart

i thought i had shared enough of my life
to let you know it was all my choice
i am a creature of choices
emotions pull and push them in directions
but there always comes a fated yes or no
clear-cut question for me to choose
beneath all those options

i think i could choose to fall in love with you
i think i could choose to completely ignore your existence
i think i'm choosing the middle ground
we're friends

enjoy it.
i stick with my choices.
i made them so i live with them

remember to vote every election

2009-09-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

immediate way of making charlie feel slightly uncomfortable.

"why did you want to do the whole military thing?"

there is no good way to answer this question
there is no simple answer i can give you
there are so many reasons

have you ever spent time
trusting the person next to you
with your life
while also knowing
you want to beat them
to be better in everything
you both do?

have you ever grabbed hold of a community
this elite club
of experiences most people never have
some people never want
many people couldn't handle?

have you ever risked your life for something you didn't believe in,
follow a leader you didn't trust,
but followed anyway still feeling you've done the right thing?

have you seen man create thunder and fire
bring down destruction upon mother earth
and know at the end of the day
the men responsible
just pray to finish this?

i haven't yet...
i am not some kind of phony
playing like i know these hardships
these are just some of what i'm trying to prepare for

education... supported, encouraged, to use the benefits
there are many
smart soldiers are better soldiers
they can think
problem solve
get outside the box

i want an education
it's a secondary thought
but there all the same

uniform... admired, honored, to be part of history
mine will be sexy
but eventually will hold a living memorial
for all those lost before
blood stripe

history doesn't remember many of the war heroes
there is no single man running forth
stupid brave
trying to do what he thinks is right
perhaps paying the price of his actions

i want to be there
if not in his place
then to tell about it
to let people know
that man was a hero
we should remember him

i cant do that from home...

"You realize this is a time of war, a war about oil."

we have been in a state of war since i was 10 or 11 years old
we were attacked
then started a war on terror, an emotion
started a war you cant win
because there is no land to conquer

it is foolish for me to say
war is ever about anything more than money
whether it is gaining freedom from unfair taxes
protecting our trade routes
getting foreign powers to owe us
or retaliation
our country works well in war.
it's such a part of our history
this is how we became a power
everything else was so destroyed you could barely live
could barely function
we were fine.
loosing so many soldiers but not an inch of land
not an inch of natural resource stripped away by foreign hand

but sometimes war can save people
sometimes atrocities are being committed
there are victims who need our help
we put ourselves as a world leader
that's our job...

you demand the end to genocides
you demand the stop to tyranny
you want it done without bloodshed
but we've lost are bargaining chips

i hear of children being forced to fight
to kill
to rape
to murder
all for the hopes of staying alive
to see the end of this atrocious warfare

i hear of rulers having utmost control of their people
of freedoms we take for granted stripped away
of equality being a fleeting dream instead of a fight

i hear calls for action
are you willing to go yourself?
those of you who wish to see change
who among you is prepared to fight for it?

you don't have to.
this is why i want to fight
not for some war in a desert over oil
not for some idea of revenge

we're currently in a recession
bordering on something far worse
the last time this happened
a country with all the costs of a world war
held above its head like a noose
rose up with an insane madman
who grabbed control to the fullest
abused every power
the last time this happened
revolutionaries became corrupt
weeding out their own intellect in paranoia
shedding blood
switching the sides of war to better choose a winner
the last time this happened
there was a war
from sea to sea
battles raging from island jungles to city doorsteps

i'm ready to fight that war
the next war
the war that brings fear home
that makes you remember what we have
makes you grow a victory garden
shed your nylon stockings to make sure we have parachutes
donate blood as often as you can
the war that makes you glad to have rationing
ends american obesity because winning this war is more important than indulging, there are hungry who need that food more elsewhere
ends american ignorance because the enemy you understand is the enemy you create peace with, peace is the aftermath of war
ends american stupidity by making the unemployment rate drop
those who work, are not stupid
they have a skill
those who cannot work, have not found a job they can do

i want to be ready for that war
the war that even those who feel they can do nothing
get told at last they are useful
get told at last they can help
no matter what condition they are in
"send them letters of support...
just help your neighbor...
just read these books...
just look and listen...
tell us your thoughts...
pray...
we're all in this together.
equally responsible
equally valuable
every man woman and child
no matter the race, orientation, or class."

yes i want to be ready for the next war
the big war
the one fought with more planes and robots than men with guns
the one fought like operating on a surgical slab with a million scalpels
instead of playing red rover

i live in this idea
that war could come in my lifetime

part of me wants it to come
because at least it would bring change
big wars always do...

part of me wants it to come
i would not want to have my progeny fight battles
that i would gladly fight for them

i know you don't ask these questions attacking my choices
even when sometimes... you do...
i thank you for you're support and well wishing
i'll be ok

just remember that we live in America
please vote...
there is a civilian in charge of our military
you elect them
we elect them
choose leaders who know how to handle war
not just make promises of removing troops
not make promises to "get our boys home"
they know their job
they know the risks
end the war
by winning, or quitting
elect leaders who end wars
not ones who maintain them

i'm willing to fight the battles
you should be willing to get leaders
who pick good ones.

this is what i think of when i think about the future

2009-09-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

dreams of drill instructors and wakeups at ungodly hours.
dreams of hoarse voices breaking and squeaking with screams.
dreams of saving and protecting.
dreams of mental scars.
dreams of homelessness.
dreams of drinking.
dreams of chaos.
dreams of war.
dreams of sleeping under the same stars as you,
but the sun is shining where you are,
you cant see them.
it's ok.
i'll map them out and give them to you when i come home.
the bad comes with the good.
i want this.
it's good for me.
i want it.
bad.

apology.

2009-09-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

it's like the time i was climbing to a cliff with my step dad
when i was young i would speak without thinking
feeling awkward
i started the day saying something
i dont remember what...

i'm not exactly old
hell i'm barely adult
more child than i'd care to admit
i still speak without thinking
the awkwardness is worse now

i've always been offensive
normally it's all joking
this is because when i actually want to offend
i want you to take it as a joke
i dont want to offend
i'm just offensive

not defensive
because the best defense
is a good offense
i'm so offensive
nothing could slip past me anyway

i'm cocky
i think it only takes a second to know me
i think i wear everything on my face
my past
my present
my future
cant you just look at my face and see it?

i'm wrong of course
i'm wrong a lot
like when i was climbing to a cliff
if i had been taller
it would've been hiking
but i was young
it was climbing a mountain
there was a rope to hold onto
we climbed for what seemed like eternity
in silence.

we ate sandwiches and chips and grapes
at the top
staring into beauty
in silence

we inhaled
he told me a story i dont remember
then we took a picture

remembering it is like a silent movie
i fill in the audio myself
things i wish i had said
things i should've asked
just to get perspective
just to know more

just to remember with another sense than my eyes

you, you i remember with more than just my eyes
i opened you up with my offense
tore down your walls
jumped off the cliff of decency
left us feeling
awkward

so now i'm climbing back up the mountain
i'm small, it's large
i dont know if i'll make it
i'll just climb

twos

2009-09-23T23:12:00.001-07:00

i almost ran over two skunks

i had been going to west for something like two months
it was not a long length of time
most people didn't know my name
i was walking down my alley
no more than ten feet away
black, white, furry
plodding
i stopped
it stopped
we stopped
he sprayed
then ran
i walked away
frustrated
i hate school
i hate school a lot
but i was already on my way
so who cared if i had the remnants of skunk smell?
surely i wasn't the only one this had happened to.

i hate school more when i smell like skunk
separated in classrooms
asked over and over
why i didn't just go home
my parents were working
i didn't want to inconvenience them.
i didn't want to miss my classes
falling behind more than i was already

i guess its one of the differences
between small town or city schools
in a small town
everyone would have known my name
in the city school
people forgot in a week
if they noticed at all

some people still remember
i do

i hate skunks.
they live underneath my porch in winter
they spray my house
it smells like skunk
for half the winter months
usually

we hopefully put a stop to that.

at seven eleven i saw two deaf men signing

i wish i understood what their wordless talk means
i do not speak hands
i do not speak feeling
i only speak with one language
this one
i am ignorant
i am sorry

i joke and say i speak enough spanish to get me in trouble
this is untrue
i speak enough spanish for them to understand i don't know shit
i speak enough spanish that i can get the old man to open doors for me
i can speak enough spanish to know
it isnt spoken in Bolivia.

i saw a man being sobriety tested by two cops

it made me think about how i treat women
lots of things make me think about how i treat women
lots of things make me feel stupid
i treat women stupid
i know this
i was born with stupid ways to treat women

i am amazed i've ever gotten laid.

i've always had the feeling underneath all this "gentleman" behavior
i'm that douchebag you wanted to beat up in highschool
using women
i used to say it was accidental
i didnt mean to hurt anyone
this is irresponsible

i dont treat women like i do men
i dont want women to treat me like they do women
because i want other things from them
comfort
closeness
contact

charlie...
you treat women stupid.
this is why your relationships fail

you know this deep down
it saddens you.
when sad
you treat women stupid
flirt more direct
dirtier comments
you want to get smacked down
have someone force you to change

you cant change on your own

that's how you found the military
wasn't it?

only you... only I...
would know.
weird isnt it
that you've forgotten the original reason.
now that you've committed.
you have so many more
but not that first original

you were never original.
you just try to be.
after awhile it's all lost.

thats why you excuse it with theories
"the stronger i get, the more i hate my poetry"
"the more powerful i seem to be, the dumber i seem to get"
"the better i see the less i hear"

excuses
ridiculousness

i have two eyes

eyes are the windows to the soul
i only need one to show you my soul
the other eye has been useless other than making depth
it holds another soul
one less important
the one that got away

le sigh

2009-09-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

he knows that now and again he has moments where he just wants to shut off from the world. someday he will live alone and this desire will overpower him. when someone who places his soul on the scales for judgment daily, places it within a dark box, can he bring it out again the same? i don't know. chances are life will never let us find out. never a dull moment. never have gone a day without interaction with someone else. any insight? not from me.

i miss you

2009-09-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I wonder when my bed will feel less lonely, and more like coming home.
it's arms always welcome me but it never feels as comfortable as your arms.
i miss you.
come home.
lie to me through my dreams.
let me think your home is my home so we can get lost in our own house.
lead me through these lying dreams.
the truth of the matter is,
i must sleep,
whether it feels like home,
or not.

rub a dub in a tub

2009-09-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

she sits in a tub too shallow to soak, water covers muscles like soft hands, warm to the touch, warm inside and out. the body is not completely covered. there are always spots left. cold.

little erotica... the adult warning needs a reason dammit

2009-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

i am the crystal blue water on the shorelines of your heart.
clawing my way towards you,
but the sand just pulls out loose from underneath my fingertips.
it will be alright.
my water levels are rising.
i am patient.
i'll reach you someday.

when the icecaps melt
the sands pull away
leaving your stone underbelly exposed
i'll slip in between the cracks
fill you up
explore every crevice
until we are one

2009-09-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

when all has fled and gone away, i'm left thinking yesterday, a day where I was better, all i have now is this letter. you asked me for a poem. i never responded. i had no clue what to write for you. i apologize.

greh... cant focus on this.

2009-09-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Wiggin Family produced exceptional children
Each graced with above genius intelligence
an understanding better than adults on the world
more manipulative than the most ruthless brigand
They were amazing.

The first Wiggin Child, Peter
Cunning, Ruthless
Violent
so very violent
Dissecting squirrels in the woods
always threatening to kill his siblings
Iron Fist Ruler

The Second, Valentine
tender, loving
motherly
always protecting
keeping Andrew safe from his brother
Always threatening to expose Peter's ways
Wise Little Woman

Andrew Wiggin
was born to save the world.
A third child in the time where two was a privilege
Secretly Baptized when religion was not allowed
He was the Perfect balance of ruthless and loving
Having the ability to see the ripples of reaction
for every drop of action
on the still waters of life

Andrew Wiggin
was called Ender by his siblings
Foreshadowing his future
for he ended the need of a savior
ended 3 lives as a child
ended traditions of a battle school
ended the war
ended a species
ended a woman's loneliness
ended the suffering of a family

Andrew was taken young
into space
ripped from the norm
with other children
thirsting war
while he just wanted to live

passive aggressive much?

2009-09-17T00:16:00.001-07:00

I hear you calling my name. i am mountain. you, ocean. i have no cliffs to meet you. nothing but rivers and wind to carry our messages. i cannot appreciate your waves breaking upon stony shores as you claw the land to get me. just shut the fuck up. mountains are solitary. i want to go back to sleep.

frusteration

2009-09-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

every now and again i need to remind people that i may be a poet, but there's a goddamn reason i'm joining the military. i can be as hard and cold as the steel in a saber when needed. being a poet means i can cut you with the eloquent edge of words far before i even need to draw arms against you.

screwdriver impact

2009-09-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

I shatter your dream of me.
screwdriver impact.
feel it wedge between your ribs and heart.
seperating.
feel it pulse.
th-thump, th-thump, th-thump, th-this is what you need to understand.
my heart has fingers that reach out when i fall in love.
my heart wont grow shoulders for you to sit.
it wont carry you.
dream of something else

a line not wasted: Synthetic Seraphim

2009-09-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

Synthetic Seraphim sneaking sunset's fingertips through the blinds on my window
i lie in bed wondering if this is the end for me
burning creatures enter singing praises to technology
science
no room in the world for magic anymore
no room for regular angels
commercialized views with wings
white robes
halos
singing songs
guiding hands
i was not anything of the sort
i was fire burning
i was praising the almighty in songs too old for you to understand
i was praising him because it was all i knew how to do
not made with free will i could not create
i could not choose to do anything but sing
sing and burn alive with holy fire
hot enough to baptize in just the light of it
synthetic seraphim bring the light in through the blinds on my window
ripping open the wings i have long since hidden
flames extinguished
the light is there to let me know the dream has ended
i shall sing no more his praises
i shall never get to burn again
synthetic seraphim sing praises to technology
science
dreams have died with me.

seraphim skies

2009-09-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

I lay under seraphim skies
wondering if their song for the almighty
reaches my rough edges and smooths them
How i wish to see six winged wonders stand before me
Let me see under wings that cover feet and eye
walk together to the destination of dreams
see clearly
Such vivid imaginations for skies filled with burning voices for the almighty
Can he not spare one of you to journey with me?
Can I not see clearly the destination of dreams?
Can I not look you in the eye?

of course not.
your wings are hiding them

sleeping on streets

2009-09-11T05:37:00.000-07:00

i would sleep on streets just to say he was coming home.
i never felt more alive than when i fell asleep
legs draped over my bike underneath the summer sun.
by the bay a little off the road near a bench but not on it.
i was wondering what to say to you...
i was dreaming of calling home your arms.
instead i found home on hard cement.
it is beautiful in the fact that it splits and cracks like my heart,
fixed by patch, dirt, a new layer.

covering all the old wounds
covering the holes dug in
for your sewage pits
for your curbing

like my heart
the streets have cracks from constant pressure
from heating and cooling passions
from ice
slowly trickling in by way of water
and freezing
separating and breaking

my bike tires are bent from hugging the road
trying to get every degree to touch
every inch of my heart
getting closer to myself
through running it over

my bike isn't very smart
but at least he's trying.

my feet
wear shoes because it knows
touching my heart would do them damage
my heart takes up all the refuse
your needles
your glass
but along with the refuse
it allows nature to burst through
flowers
weeds
trees
grass

this makes sidewalks look crappy
but the sidewalk should know better
than to separate my heart
from my feet
we're the same body
we're supposed to touch
even if it's through shoes.

ughhhh... cant see where i want to go with this one...

2009-09-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

I want to feel your river flow off my head and down my spine,
hit the ground grow the vine
because nothing could be more divine
than you're spirits making me feel so fine
all i want to do is call you mine...

but i have never been so selfish to presume
that i was the only one looking for you in the room

[attempt 1: moon and water]
you're capable of so much
and i can't hold you
my meteor cracked surface
can pull and push the tide
but that's just a hand on your side
we're in this dance
because you have me in a trance
if i could bring you to me at last
you would fill in my surface
all the meteors would come together
and show us their celestial step
We'd pull into such a tempest
That even your whirlpools
would invert towards the stars
bring them down
no one can tell you otherwise
i've been holding your sides
slowly pushing
slowly pulling
waiting for the tempo to increase
waiting for that mother of yours to cease
holding so tight
she just wont let us run away together
but it's alright.
i'll wait for you
i'll wait for celestial tempest
inverted whirlpools
your river
hitting my head
heading down my spine
so divine

[attempt 2: water boarding]

no i'd never be so selfish to presume
i was the only one in the room
because you're needed by the masses
you're needed to save them from the lashes
the great punishment
the great interrogator
you make people feel like they are dying
because that will keep them from lying
that will help us with our spying

i want to drown with you
i want to drown from you
bury my soul and let my lungs burn
all the while your flow can churn
filling me with your passion
don't let them put me under again
because they always bring me back
i don't want to come back
i want to feel that river flow
i want to go under
tear my world asunder
bring myself out of this pain forever
because i just want to go home.

it doesn't matter if i know anything
or nothing
either way i feel like i'm going to die
sticking to my morals or telling a lie
i'll be damned if they see me cry
for you, divine flow
let your spirits make me feel so fine
let your waters grow the vine
of peace
so we can end this suffering
so we can end this hateful game
maybe if we end it between you and i
everyone will do the same

so accept me at last
a name lost to the past
don't let them bring me back
i just want to rest.

dreaming

2009-09-10T07:44:00.001-07:00

as i head to sleep i stare at the light shining on my door
it is orange on dark brown
stained pine with secondhand streetlight
my vision fades as my eyes stay open

i wonder if this is what dying feels like.
in movies
in games
dying is when your character
slumps violently to the ground
vision blurs
fades
and then darkness

and in darkness
i dream

my dreams are not frightening
they're not horrible
they're dreams
possibilities that might happen someday

i'm going to be a soldier
i'm going to be out
in deserts
in jungle
in oceanic tides
wondering what everyone is doing back home
wondering what i'll be doing back home

i dream of being the broken man
who left too many brothers overseas
who failed to bring people home
this is punishment for not being better
this is punishment for surviving
all i can do is atone
say: "I'm sorry
It's all my fault.
I wish I had been better"

I dream of being the hero
who left too much of himself overseas
who never failed to bring a story home
this is punishment for getting older
this is punishment for stopping
and all i can do is speak
"I'm sorry
I wish my life was normal
What i wouldn't give
for yours."

I dream that neither one of these outcomes happen
That I change very little
nothing left overseas because i am responsible for myself and others
nothing failed unless it was beyond all of my control
this is punishment for being average
and i'm ok with that
all i can do is atone
say "I'm sorry
I just did what i had to
I needed to come home and be with you again"

My dreams are no second thoughts
They are possibilities
and i wake in the morning with a sense of hope
my vision is clear
i have not died. i have too much to do.
i think it's time we stopped dreaming
just live out your dream
and see what happens.

trumpet vine

2009-09-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

a shyness with one wall.
once the wall is broken i regain composure,
i bloom grow like trumpet vine.
No walls, no windows, can stop me,

the walls are broken and i just slip through the cracks with my confidence.

i am the vine that will tear you down
those hills
those hurdles
bumps in the road
i grow through
i fill up
smooth them out

smell my flower
look at my beautiful shade
reminds you of trumpets
namesake

my namesake
is a super hero
who is wrapped in lies
telepathy
compared to civil rights heroes
but he is full of secrets
full of lies
has a confidence that is unnerving
he knows no shyness
but shuts himself off
to protect you from what he's seen

i know one wall of shyness
and when i break through
you can choose how deep you want to look
because while you're staring in
i'm growing, creeping in

trumpet vine

pillows

2009-09-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

i haave more pillows on his bed than I'll ever really need.
see, i want you're head to be comfortable when you finally join me here,
so i have choices for you.
I'll still sleep with the same pillow i've used since i was ten.
it's perfect, almost flat.

you would hate it.

it feels like sleeping on my hands without letting the fingers fall asleep.
it feels like peace for dreams to come in naturally

you like those soft pillows
they feel like your sleeping on air
covered in cotton
covered in satin
your head shrinks in and floats
floats off into the world of dreams
while mine stays grounded
making dreams come to me

but i have these pillows for you
varying degrees of soft
and if they dont work for you
i'll give you my own
let you sleep in my hands
so dreams can come to you

or you can rest your head on my chest
sleep to the rhythm of my heartbeat
dream to the sound of my internal drum

inspired by how Jon Sands signed his chapbook for me

2009-09-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

Fact, i make potato salad better than anyone you have ever met.
This is because I am living potato salad.
I am made of potato, egg, pickle, mayo, onion.
Potato skin hearty as i flake off the eggshell underneath to hold sweet yolk.
i am mayo bonded with sour pickle taste.
my heart is onion, if you cut it, you'll cry.
i am barbecue food. i belong next to burger, hot dog, chips.
have me on a summers day
share me with friends, family, strangers

many do not like me
i am too much starch
too much fat
i am filling
so let me fill you up

i am mixed in a bowl
ingredients thrown together

i taste better when you mix me by hand
knead me through your fingers
get what holds me together
in between
sticky
feel my different textures
smell it

potato salad

i never eat it...
because i'm made of potato salad
but i'll make more and more of myself
just to make you happy.

gods messangers, painters.

2009-09-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

understands that when you paint,
there comes a time where the colors below bleed through.
you spread too thin and soon you're taking more away than what you give.
you're punished for your selfish ways with extra coats.
you're punished for your selfish ways by painting over again and again.

this is how god speaks
he speaks through paint
read his messages on walls while watching it dry
look into the painters hand as he strokes
god is telling you a message
weather it be fine art
or commercial
he guides the hand
covers up all that is bad
all that is unwanted
and makes it

different.

about my bed

2009-09-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

i wonder how many times i can tell my bed i am sick of it.
It sits there as if it expects a guest,
with more than five pillows, and two blankets.
knowing i only use one of each.
all it does is remind me how the other half of my bed is empty.
i spent too many years futon couches, i only take up a small space.
my bed just reminds me how no one fills up the rest.

my bed's a douche.

i mean it's big enough for three of me
the way i sleep i could fit in five if we're spooning
such wasted space, such wasted pillows
stacked neatly waiting to be used
next to a blanket never even thought about
because mine is warm enough
mine is warm enough
for my body
but my heart
my insides
my guts

they all yearn for someone else
the smell of hair
of sweat
to hold something through the night
and share inner warmth with

my bed likes to laugh at my guts

because i neglected it for so long
it wants to remind me how it felt
with an empty space

i'm sorry bed for hurting you
but i'm still sick of your shit

you threw me your heart

2009-09-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

if i could try and understand
i would
because you keep throwing your heart at me
and i dont want that much blood on my hands

you've kept me on a pedestal
you said i jumped off
when i said i saw the girl of my dreams
i tried to tell you
how it was just the tidal wave
washing out the foundation of sand

you want someone to set you straight
i tried
i told you outright i'm not worth it
i told you how it wont happen
but you still threw your heart
i was never good at catch

so i'm sorry
that i've caused you inner turmoil
but in all honesty
that's what would have happened
even if i had caught your heart

the bloods' on me either way
instead of on hands
that caught it in a soft embrace
it lies splattered on my shirt
a wall of hard reality

faster faster

2009-09-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

I want to hear the questions on the tip of your tongue.
i want to hear everything you've ever wondered.
let me sling shit in your direction until you understand
that i do not actually know reasoning for what i'm doing.
i trust my gut, i do what feels right,
and that's all i can say for myself.
how can you ask for my plans for the future when i live lifestyles with shortened life expectancies?
i'm just going to go on and do it

i want to be a poet
i want to be a soldier
this means
that i'll be drunk
most likely
because both poets and soldiers drink
to forget
to remember
and as of right now i don't need to do either

i'm just trying to stay focused in the right now
i'm just a raindrop
not yet hitting the water
but gaining speed
i want to reach
terminal velocity
i want to go
faster

i want to go faster and run away from all the bad things in the world so i can live happily ever after and miss out on all the terrible things in life that i feel every hero needs to do so that he can balance it out by living till the end in blissful joy.
i want to go faster and run towards the future beating it here to now and know that everyone i love has met me here so that they can hear my panting and know i was just trying to get back to them as soon as possible
i want to go faster because i never really liked the smell of roses and i dont think light could catch up to me if i was really trying.
i want to go faster and swallow the world in my own personal black hole since the sun is such a lard ass
i want to go faster so i can answer all the questions you could ever ask because my brain works to slow to figure out what they are.

so tell me
what you've wanted to ask

cant let go

2009-09-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

i wishs you'd come whisper and lie next to me tonight.
i'm sorry that our entire lives are one fight after another
but that's just the way it goes.
i cant help that i am gravity pulling you down and keeping you underneath the sky.
i'm sorry i make your neck hurt by forcing you to crane up at your dreams.
if my heart could bear to let you go i would,
but those lies you whisper,
those lies you tell my heart,
they're addicting.

Inspired by Adam Stone

2009-09-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

too young to be nostalgic, but in a world where you update your life story every minuet time feels like it moves much faster than it used to.
i'm so much farther away from eight years ago than i was in four.
life went into overdrive and I've been traveling faster than light ever since.
and i guess that's my sin
i try to take time out to smell the roses but in the end i'm too busy putting the mulch around them to smell anything.
i try to take time to stare at the night sky but dreams seem to overtake me faster than any kind of medication could provide.
i'm not old
i cant even say i've lived for a little bit
by putting myself against your timetable i am nothing
but i try to pack as much instances for interest in them as i can
which means
i talk about my past a lot
which means
i talk about myself a lot
which means
i only go back into the past six years
because before twelve
i wasn't even close to interesting
i wasn't even born

i am the new man
who talks about his childhood
it seems so long ago
because i cram enough change
to keep all the hungry fed
within as little time as possible

i am evolution put into cyberspace
fads last seconds
you were late on it before you found it
you were behind five minuets from now

and i'm still talking about what happened to me when i was just a kid
i'd say i want to go back to then
but you're right
i'm too young to be nostalgic
i'm just talking about it
because i think you might learn something
that's all i long for
learning something new
out of the things i've already done.

for Stephanie Boucher on request

2009-09-06T14:42:00.001-07:00

laugh, continue to laugh and love because you, you are beautiful.
willing to stand up to authority, cat fight in class, you are powerful.
remember to stand up in class, be the only one brave enough,
to let the crazies teach you how to dance.
then dance for the entire world to see and be in awe.
the crazies will always fail you when it comes to formal events like prom.
the crazies will always fail you,
but make up for it with movies.
we'll make blackjack entertaining, and talk about our different times at school.
the crazies will hit on you and not make moves because,
well,
you're the kinda girl you don't try and make moves on the first date.
you're too much fun to risk ruining the moment.
so laugh, continue to laugh and love because you, you are beautiful.

one for my mom

2009-09-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

john, paul, phillip, jim, joe, jack, chris,
charlie
charlie, can can you come help me?
i'm not feeling my best today

My mother gave me my name
but
in the times where she is overworked
she forgets.
I'm used to it
i witnessed her
workaholic ways all through my childhood
because she always had three careers
mother
christian
whatever job she worked at the time

she was a mother to my sister
to me
to every child who came into our home
she was mom
she was auntie brenda
she was babcia
polish for grandma
when all those children
had children of their own

she was christian
not in the classic sense
i mean
twice divorced and closeted bisexual
until i turned 16
i never understood why she couldn't take communion
yet she was the only one in church
to open her doors for complete strangers
no matter how often
they stole from her

my mother worked
sometimes till it killed her
keeping us living in a town
where we couldn't dream of affording
even the basic needs.
there were times
where we went without electricity
because we needed to pay the gas
there were times
where food came from the pantry
food came from friends
who we now owed favors
she never went more than a couple weeks between jobs
no matter how rough the market
she'd take any work
to keep a house over our heads

john, jacob, peter, paul, just... you
can you help your mother
i, i just cant do it today

it's alright mom
i've always done what i thought was best to help you
even when it was leaving you
breaking your heart
things were rough for awhile
but you're better now
than you ever could have been with me around
i'm sorry for my youth
when i was angry
when i was embarrassed

i never should have been embarrassed to have
my friends and girls meet you
because you are the definition
of good people
no matter how hard it was
there was always room
for an extra seat at the table
and i'm glad
that now
even though i don't live with you
even though i don't visit as often as i'd like
i know there is always a seat open for me
always a couch or floor
for me to crash on

jacob, paul, thomas, peter, chris, jack...

charlie mom,
it's charlie
i'm here
let me do this for you
so you can rest.

trying something a little different

2009-09-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

I get handed hearts like Mormon missionaries hand out bibles
and i think the same thing.

can you value something you give away so freely
so readily
without insurance that they will treat it with respect
without insurance they will actually care about it
with the fraction of love you're supposed to have
it doesnt make sense

the text
is filled with beautiful words
people live their lives by it
Nephi
who plunged sword into Laban
pleaded for brothers to accept the Lord
because he has
and can complete the impossible

your heart
travels on similar roads
it plunges itself into others
and pleads them to accept Love
because you
can give them the impossible

but how much does your mind
how much does your body
truly value
that which you hand out
like candy at a parade
like tears at a funeral
like tissues on a winter day

it serves a purpose
but will you place as much value into it
as it deserves?

yup... found her...

2009-09-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

i saw you for the second time.
you shocked me with being living proof
of the image i have
when i write love poems to girls that aren't there.

you weren't supposed to be real.

i wanted to tell you.
i didn't.
it's hard to see,
but I'm really shy underneath.

i'll keep my upper body firm,
and place my hands in the position,
because i'm just shy.
i'm not stupid.
you don't pass up a chance to dance.
especially if she's what you've been talking about
all those poems
all those years

poetic in both mind and body
she can dance
move her hips through song
keeping rhythm
entrancing you in imagery
you couldn't hope to escape

her hips
speak volumes
as her words
spin me across the floor
i thought i was supposed to lead
but it's been a long day
and I'm really just trying not to fuck up

I'm really terrible at the merengue
because i dance with my shoulders
years of
awkward geek at the dance
dancing with pantomime
the lawnmower

not that it matters
I'll keep my upper body firm,
and place my hands in the position,
because I'm just shy.
I'm not stupid.
you don't pass up a chance to dance.
especially if she's what you've been talking about
all those poems
all those years

she's got the red hair
she's got cowboy boots
and I'm trapped in a stare
trying to concentrate.

what more would you want?
than a smile that flashes
friendly
playful
with hands
firm
soft
that perfect height in boots
to be just a smidgen shorter than you
ideal to dance.

she asked me
this is what kills me
because, I mentioned how i loved to dance
and she asked me
when I thought
she was talking to someone else
surrounded in a room
with people I admire
people I awe
and she still looked at me
and we got into position

keep my upper body firm,
move with my hips
i'm just shy, not stupid.
you don't pass up this kind of chance
she is the living embodiment
of my love poems
to women so perfect
they cannot exist

it took only one night
the second time we met
and you proved me wrong

you looked great tonight
i didn't get the courage to say that
when i was staring you in the face
didn't get a chance to say this poem
before i had to leave

i did thank you for the dance
i meant it
just like i mean this
dancing with you
was a chance i couldn't miss

land of dreams

2009-09-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

is headed off to the land of dreams
where i can finally be free of the seams holding me in.
i am cocoon,
i am mid-metamorphosis,
and i'm ready to be let out, to be let free,
watch me, you'll see,
i'll rip open the seams and fly out to you in your dreams.
we'll touch,
we'll hold each other in the dark.
feel free under the night sky. it's starless...
so we'll fly up and make constellations with our souls.
when they look up from the ground,
they'll see your eyes.
we're up high, higher than the crow flies
and we're dancing on constellations shapes like your eyes.
we've filled the skies and now there is nothing left to do but hold each other in the dark.
hold each other till we part.
it will hurt...
we were so free in our dreams,
but reality needs to hold us in these seams.
it's a tight fit.

uncomfortable,

but it's home.

desire

2009-09-03T20:10:00.001-07:00

you want like you're a fire and i am an ocean, waiting. desire tastes like black licorice, bitter but you still want more. another bite, you want enough, you want your good and plenty servings. sweet candy coating exterior holding that bitter taste you crave. want, desire, oceans and fire. it's like oil, the fire is atop the ocean and yet they dont touch... they dont touch

hmmm

2009-09-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

dreaming again of distant shores that seemed close enough to taste,
but the salt was just the sweat coming from the backs of our labors.
if we dig deep enough, eventually the ocean will fall in and engulf us in watery embrace.

but were we to wait to drown we would miss out on the bubbles
holding our heads under the bathwater
letting us fall to the bottom so clean is this way to die
the skin turns a lovely shade of white
softens hard edges as they fill with water
the salt gets in your eyes
and you don't cry
because it loves you.